Gym Porn

The poster features a guy on a spin bike, his face contorted. Veins nearly popping off his forehead. Sweat dripping off his chin. In superb shape. Pushing as hard as he can.

The lettering above him says, No More Limits.

I walk by this sign every day on my way to the ladies’ locker room at my local 24 Hour Fitness.

There might be one or two percent of the membership who look like that. Or, for that matter, who push themselves to the edge of a heart attack like that.

Let’s be very clear: these images are photoshopped, perfectly lit, manipulated to look flawless. My guess is that the models themselves don’t look much like this at all. However the message to the rest of us poor mortals is that this is indeed attainable.

Nope, it isn’t. Even the models have a good chuckle about this.

While this is Colorado, the land of the twelve-thousand-foot, hundred-mile endurance races, the simple truth is that the average Joe or Jane doesn’t- and won’t ever- look like that guy. Or the other people whose pictures of perfection are posted strategically around my gym.

While gym culture has begun to change- and some are making the smart marketing pitch to those with Dad or Mom bods for whom the gym can be intimidating (we’re not going to laugh at you, come on in), the fitness culture still celebrates extremes. Go to any Gold’s or hard-core ironhead facility and you’ll likely see the same kinds of messaging along with photos of seriously roided-out bodies. A good number of those folks have recently died, by the way- many in their twenties of all things. Well-known bodybuilding saying: “Live fast. Die young. Be a beautiful corpse.” Yah. Great plan. My BF was in Florida recently and met one of them. Days later that young man was dead.

In fact, people who work hard to look uber strong and uber healthy are, in fact, sometimes horrifically unhealthy. High cholesterol and high blood pressure are common.This is in part due to the very regimes they are on to make themselves look invincible (https://fitnessvolt.com/18709/5-bodybuilders-died-2017/). Extremes in anything tend to be damned dangerous, and that very much includes those who to go to any lengths possible to prove they have the best, biggest and healthiest-looking bodies on the planet. The truth is something else again. Just like extreme porn. (http://www.daveywaveyfitness.com/exercises/myth-bodybuilders-are-healthy)

So when I see posters that promise that you too can have these muscles, this body, it’s a lie for the majority. In particular because some of the very practitioners who talk the talk about health- and have such big muscles- are themselves remarkably unhealthy.

This is what I call gym porn.

Here’s what I mean.

In the precise same way that pornography promises a diet of extreme jackhammer sex and unending killer orgasms, and as a result misinforms the viewer that this is what women want or what guys are supposed to be able to do, gym porn sets a ridiculously high standard when posters promise that we too can look like that. In addition, it undermines real life (See https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/gq-magazine-tells-men-quit-watching-porn-before-it-ruins-your-sex-life). Since most of us function in real life most of the time, it makes sense to try to make that harsh reality work as well as possible. Just as it makes perfect sense to work with your body as it is, not as some slick marketing outfit tells you it should be.

Or you can buy into the implicit brand promise that not only should you and could you look like that perfect image, you too should be able to perform like those sex gods.

Uh, no we can’t. Not only that but just as in the fitness industry, those so-called perfect sex acts come at a huge cost not only to us average people but far more so to those who are in the business (http://www.covenanteyes.com/2008/10/28/ex-porn-star-tells-the-truth-about-the-porn-industry/). In other words, marketing lies. And what a shame that we buy into them, at a huge cost to our emotional and physical well-being.

Any more than the average Joe on the street can perform sex for hours on end (without the help of that little pill at least), nor would most women that I know want that from them.

What we want in sex, if I can be so frank, is what works for us. The same way our bodies would like us to find what works for us, not some incredible, unreachable and patently unfair standard.

To wit: if you are short, square, heavily-boned and thick around the middle because generations of your family are shaped like that, you are not going to look like Giselle Bundchen. It ain’t happenin’ man.

So let’s say, for example, you look like one of the (everyday, normal) men or women above, and decide to to give the gym the good college try. You are surrounded by photos that promise you’re going to look like a supermodel bodybuilder. The above is reality. The photos are not. However the photos are supremely intimidating. They may start out as motivational but when reality creeps in, it can send us home with our collective tails between our cellulite-covered or hairy legs. The implicit message is that if you don’t look like these people you’re a miserable failure. Extreme porn sends the same monumentally defeating message: if you can’t perform (or your partner can’t perform) like these sex actors, you’re a miserable failure. Dear god. Really?

As a perfect example, last year I saw a photo on the Facebook thread the Daily Om. It was a photo of a woman with an absolutely perfect seven-pack. The thread’s implied promise was that you, too, could have abs like this if you signed up- and paid for- the following program. Just twelve weeks. The thread’s responses were highly instructive. Many said how much they wanted those abs, and apparently honestly believed the promise. Well to that I say bullshit.

First of all, in order for someone to get a set like that (and kindly, they exist on all our bodies, but are largely invisible under the fat and water) you have to work your ass off for a very long time to develop them further. Then, you have to diet diligently to reduce the water and allow the muscles to be prominent and well-defined. There are some people who are born with abs like that and they don’t take as much work. For the rest of us mere mortals, it’s nearly impossible to get and maintain such abs every single day. For those who body build for living, try visiting their house a month or so after the show. Their abs have disappeared under water and fat just like the rest of us- because they have to eat and drink. What you’re seeing is gym porn- photos taken on or near contest time at the peak of appearance. I didn’t say fitness. I said appearance. What you have to do to yourself to get that look is unconscionable to the body and you can’t maintain it. Or, you die, as many bodybuilders find out. Just as many porn stars find out.

What it takes to get those abs

If you admired, just as I did, Gerard Butler’s abs in the movie 300, here’s what it took for him to get them: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-look-like-gerard-butler-in-the-movie-300/. Digital enhancement aside, this was brutal. It wasn’t long before Mr. Butler had a gut again. I sure as hell don’t blame him. Just look at Russell Crowe, who once had a superb, hard-won physique. Like Kate Moss, whose heavy smoking and hard drinking have cost her, these celebs are just as subject to the prices we all pay for the mistakes we make, and the workouts we don’t do.

One of the evil sides effects is that both gym porn and pornography can become as addictive as heroin. There is a new eating disorder/exercise disorder among many people called Bigorexia, which is the inability to stop exercising in order to get superhero proportions (https://www.anred.com/musdys.html). No matter that those very muscles impede daily normal movements. Once hooked it’s nearly impossible to stop. Porn and sex addicts are victim to the same compulsions.

Here’s an interesting piece. Photographer Howard Schwartz produced a book of Olympic athletes- the entire range. Here’s a sample of the top athletes in the world:

This is one of my favorite reference books if for no other reason than it points out how extraordinarily varied we ALL are, and how body type — highly performing bodies that is- are all over the board. Here’s one for women:

These are among the very best in the world. Look at the wondrous variety. While the vast majority of us will never reach their heights, the message here is endless variety. There is no one standard, any more than there is one standard for beauty or handsomeness. It’s uniquely individual. To say nothing of cultural preferences. I have seen beauty of every kind, color, shape and expression all over the world. To imagine that one woman or one man determines the ideal is breathlessly arrogant.

Most of us are AVERAGE

Most of us are pretty average. Fitness, like sex, evolves. It takes experimentation to find what works for our bodies, with which we have a lifelong partnership. We may not necessarily have a lifelong relationship with sex (as in all things, it depends). Commitment is the same for fitness.

Who wants to go to a gym where the implication is that we’re going to beat ourselves to death in order to get a perfect body, which at some level we all know is not a likely outcome?

Porn- of any kind -writes a check that few people can cash. When it comes to fitness, after forty-five years in the gym, I see the same thing happen year after year. We make resolutions, we hire trainers, we diet, we suffer, sometimes we make progress, but we don’t get Arnold’s body. His body was sculpted in part by highly-focused steroid use, for which his heart has paid a very high price. That commitment to his body took up all his waking hours. He is extremely fortunate to have lived this long. However, I wouldn’t say that he’s the picture of health. Even Arnold has admitted to being deeply insecure about his body, and driven to the point of insanity. That the kind of life you want?

No thank you. Not for any amount of fame or money.

The rest of us have jobs, families, housework, homework, distractions. No matter how committed we may think we are in January, the reality of how much work getting to that level of fitness sends most folks back to their old routines by March. Just like trying to live up to a monumentally impossible notion of perfect sex, all day every day all the time, fitness ends up being the Holy Grail we can never grasp.

Most of us can’t constantly work out like jackhammers any more than most of us either want or can have jackhammer sex. It might be interesting or fun to look at, but real life gets in the way. Not only that, the real lives of these so- called “perfect” stars are in many ways lives none of us would wish to suffer through, with disease and imminent death constant hovering shadows.

Weary of the Implicit Promise, Which is a Lie

At this age, 65, I am weary of the implied promise of fitness centers like 24 Hour, and all their ilk. The simple truth is that most of us want simply to improve. Just as we’d love for our sex lives to improve. That doesn’t happen overnight for either. As we change, grow and age, so does our partner (or partners). Same for our partnership with our bodies. While I may be a bonafide iron-head, I feel no compulsion to tear into a workout. At times I am highly energetic and love to punch the iron, but I couldn’t possibly keep that up day after day for hours on end.

Nor can most folks. Any Olympic athlete will tell you that moderation, rest and recuperation are essential elements of fitness, just as the right diet for your body and energy level. Great sex is precisely the same way. They actually go hand-in-hand and both spheres of our lives improve along similar lines. When we have great love and respect for our partners (and our bodies fall into that category) then we put the work in to make that relationship successful for the long term. We have good days and bad, we make mistakes, we get lazy, we recommit, some days are extraordinarily memorable, and over time we see results.

Sounds good to me. That’s doable. Perfection isn’t.

I Want Your Guns

A few months back a young Asian woman approached me in the women’s locker room and asked me how to get my guns. When I told her, her face fell. Then I made it worse by explaining that even if she did put in the years of work there was no guarantee that her unique body would give her the arms she wanted.

Some of the most fabulously gorgeous men I’ve ever dated were also the lousiest lovers. One dimensional. Selfish. Self-absorbed. A total waste of time. They’d be far better off masturbating in front of a full-length mirror. To wit: one guy on Fitness Singles actually wrote me that he wanted me to sit in a room and just watch him pose. That got him off. Honestly. Just…holy cow.

Really? Yep.

My boyfriend, who in his twenties was a champion all-natural bodybuilder, told me the other night about how fitness professionals, which he was for a number of years, are so consumed by their bodies that they have no time or bandwidth for anything else. As a lifetime bodybuilder I get it. I truly do. I just have a more varied life than that. And so do most of us. Besides, making a living in the fitness business is brutally tough. I’m not talking about being a personal trainer, which can be richly rewarding at any age. I’m talking about building and maintaining that perfect body that is the implicit brand promise of all those big posters plastered all over my gym. That’s why I am not likely to ever compete, even though I’m often asked. It just doesn’t matter that much. I’m not willing to sacrifice my health for a big fat shiny trophy.

Do you really really wanna look like this dude?

First of all, even if this is photoshopped, the guy is a freak and his body is completely dysfunctional. You can’t use muscle like that, there’s no flexibility. Unless someone is going to hire you for an Alien movie, come on man, why? This guy couldn’t hike the mountains I climb, couldn’t fit into a kayak, couldn’t ride a horse or do nearly any sport I do regularly and with great pleasure at my advanced age.

That’s why most of us don’t bother. By the same token, however, I would rethink plastering posters of perfection all over my gym’s walls. That kind of messaging can be hugely defeating for most of us who fall into the Average Joe category. It’s just one more indication that no matter how hard we work to lose weight, get strong, build muscle, we are never ever going to look like THAT. And besides, the groaning, straining model doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself.

At least with sex, there’s a pleasurable payoff. Most of the time, anyway.

The better contrast, where I find a far more inclusive attitude, is my local swim gym. There, a great many oldies and a very large neighborhood contingent can go in and work out without any motivational posters screaming at them from the walls. We see each other and ourselves with all our sweaty imperfections. What we see is reality: people doing their level best to improve what they have. When I go swim laps I’m surrounded by real people improving the quality of their lives as well as extending their life spans. That’s realistic. It’s doable. And it’s one hell of a lot more fun. None of us feels defeated when we pass a gym porn photo then go strip and stand in front of the stark reality of our own bodies in the locker room and ponder the wrinkles, the fat pads, the inevitability of gravity, the tufts of hair, the callouses. Real bodies, in other words.

Well, shit.

At my 24 Hour, every year I see huge crowds in January give up by about March. I think that the messaging is part of it. It’s not just that it’s hard work. Trust me, it is. I think it’s because the exhausting message of gym porn underscores the impossible task of reaching perfection.

A dear friend of mine, a fellow speaker, had by his late fifties developed a 60+ inch waist and a very sloppy body because of his penchant for grazing at all -you-can eat smorgasbords. Some time back he threw himself into the Body for Life program (https://bodyforlife.com/), perhaps motivated by the many before and after photos (https://bodyforlife.com/community/success-stories) which had made the program so popular. The mistake my buddy Bill made was to put a photo of a twenty-something bodybuilder in his wallet and then go around telling hundreds of people that in twelve weeks, he would look like that guy.

That’s a setup for failure. Sure enough, although Bill lost at least forty hard-won pounds, his sixty-inch waist didn’t magically melt away to reveal a seven- pack in twelve weeks. The next time I saw him he was bigger than ever, back to grazing smorgasbords. He believed the gym porn. And just like pornography in most forms, it lied to him about his own capacities. Could he look like this 2014 Body for Life champ Devin Wood? It depends. How many years are you willing to work for these kinds of results? If you begin with a 60 inch waist, it won’t happen in twelve weeks. That is unless you opt for surgery. The other hard, sad news is that getting to this point is relatively easy. Staying there is a whole other level of commitment. I’ve done it for more than thirty years. Ask me how much I miss Krispy Kreme donuts. Damn, man.

Just like the very large disabled vet, a one-time physical therapist, who let his body go to pot. His subsequent diabetes cost him both his legs. When I met him he was on the gym floor, laboriously and determinedly pushing a heavy sled. Powerful. By then he’d already lost some 100 lbs. Now he’s speaking to vets with amputations, severe PTSD and other challenges- because he’s mastered his. He’ll never be an Olympian. But to those he motivates, he sure as hell his. He’s a life changer. To me that fellow vet IS an Olympian. Because he is real, almost bigger than life. In many ways I admire him far more thanI do all the Mr. and Ms. Olympians who have graced the stage, shot up with toxic steroids. Any more than I admire Olympic althletes who got there by doping. Same thing.

Just as in sex, perfection is uniquely defined by the partners. What does that look like between you and your body? Only you can establish that: with respect, care, concern, thoughtful experimentation, occasional failure, successes, and trial and error. Porn doesn’t show that. That’s way too close to real life.

Just like a little bit of titillating porn, being motivated by the visual perfection (even if it is photoshopped) isn’t a bad thing at all. It is unfortunate to be defeated by it, take it personally as a complete failure if you can’t reach that level, and give up.

What is courageous is to do the very best with what we have. That means with the bodies we were given to manage and maintain. And, with the partners we choose, who deserve the same respect and care. Both are with us for the long run when we stop demanding perfection of them, and love them as they are, develop the best of what they have to offer, and have humor and humility when they remind us that we aren’t Olympic gods after all. Just human.