The Ten Secrets to How I Stay Young

My surefire magic formula for eternal youth

1. I stopped worrying about my looks. They were  bad enough already before I got old. If I forget, I just look in my bathroom mirror.
2. I stopped worrying about my teeth. They aren't mine anyway.
3. I stopped worrying about longevity. As much as it hurts to get out of bed some days, not getting up at all again sometimes sounds pretty good.
4. I stopped worrying about what people think. They all think I'm (crazy, stupid, insane, etc. etc.) I keep proving them right.
5. I stopped worrying about trolls. If they ever come around my house, I will throw my orthotic shoe liners at them. They haven't been washed in eight years. Better than bear mace.
6. I stopped worrying about my body. At this point, if someone wants me, there's got to be something seriously wrong with him.
7. I stopped worrying about money. I never did have much, don't have much now, and if all else fails, I have a tent. I'd fit right in around here.
8. I stopped worrying about sex. I'm sorry, what was that again? What's sex? Mind spelling that for me?
9. I stopped worrying about dieting. If I want something that's not good for me, I remove my orthotics and put them in the kitchen. That'll kill my appetite for six days straight. Who needs intermittent fasting?
10. I stopped worrying about being young. That was so long ago I forgot...wait. What were we talking about?

Respectfully dedicated to Dave Martin and Roz Warren.