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And other tales of sitting for too long all day

Look. It’s not like we don’t know this.

We stock up on essential supplies (Cheetos, Oreos, Ritz Crackers, Ben & Jerry’s, chocolate-covered-anything-that-Sprouts-has-left-and-that-includes-grasshoppers). All the major food groups.

OH. And beer. In Colorado, liquor stores are considered “essential business.” So are gun shops (bwhahahahahahahaha, you shoot the deer family in my yard and I will END your hillbilly ass). Wild west out there.

Then we settle in. Netflicks. Reruns. Get up and walk to the kitchen. Expend four calories (see this). Bring back bowls of warm Velveeta, Nachos, pizza, Chips Ahoy.

Oh, about twelve thousand calories over the course of a movie.

Sprinting from the living room to the kitchen does not constitute adequate caloric expenditure. You may be breathless but that’s because you’re lugging four six- packs of Bud.

Multiply by however many reruns of Game of Thrones.

Get up and walk back to the kitchen for beer restocks.

Expend four calories. Rinse, repeat.

Studiously ignore all hysterical advice on How to Get Your BEACH BOD by June. For good reason. Because…

Do you really need a reason?

Lately I’ve been pulling up a few photos of my not-so-august self from a few months back.

Sigh. I remember that butt.

The butt that continueth to spreadeath as I sit and write.

All day, which is normal when I’m not on adventure travel, but is usually punctuated by a gym visit, a bike ride, etc. Bikes are in storage, the gym is closed.

I read an article about an endurance runner who did laps around his apartment — in the thousands, when his event got delayed.

DUDE.

You can’t make this stuff up. Think I am? Sure:

Coronavirus: Chinese man under lockdown runs 31 miles in his living room
A Chinese marathon runner under lockdown during the coronavirus outbreak has kept his spirits up by running 31 miles…
www.theguardian.com

Somebody take away that man’s Keurig machine.

And I thought I was compulsive.

Charles Roast and I were joking the other day about Krispy Kreme’s being a major food group. There was a time. Not that long ago.

I told him about Kinder Bueno bars. You did know that, right? Essential nutrients. Wafer, chocolate, hazelnut cream.

Should I have told him that burpees are the best overall exercise?

Forgive me but that’s not going to make him laugh.

Other than to get him thinking about how that probably wouldn’t be good for the house foundation (he’s 6'4" and 250, so the rafters might shudder, if not collapse altogether). And terrify the shit out of the family dog, but I digress.

But he does admit (see below in comments) that he and his son do indeed do magnificent burping (not burpee-ing) contests. He didn’t say who won, but I will bet on bulk and years of experience every time. My money is on the bigger belly. Better push from the diaphragm for duration and volume.

Of course it is. AND. Now isn’t the time to get beleaguered about how to get CUT UP by doing a thousand pushups in one day.

Will. You. Please.

First, I am a big fan of taking care of emotional business first. Throwing ourselves into mad dashes up and down the steps is an awful lot like avoidance.

Second, I believe in taking the time to tend to our hearts. Of course I care about your VO2, your heart rate, blood pressure. Yah, but a heart that hurts has a hard time getting excited about heavy breathing (well, not that kind anyway).

Some heavy breathing is right helpful at times like this but it’s been so long for me I forgot.

Did someone mention sex?

Excellent, excellent exercise. Better’n burpees, IMHO. Of course I’m doing neither right now so what do I know?

I wouldn’t recognize a penis if saw one. Wait. I see one every time there’s a White House briefing.

I did take a precautionary measure. I moved the huge EMERGENCY USE ONLY bag of Sprouts chocolate almonds AND raisins AND Bueno Bars (I won’t admit to what else ended up in there, it’s all a fog now) to the garage.

COLD in the garage. This is Colorado. Yes. It snows right up to Memorial Day. Major deterrent.

Not only that, after all those concussions, my short-term memory isn’t for shit. I will walk into the kitchen, open the cupboard and think, hm.

Dried pineapple. Sounds good to me.

Hm. Wasn’t there something on the top shelf……nah. Pineapple.

And for me, because I have a bad habit of slouching, and that hurts my lower back and neck, I set my kitchen timer to go off every few minutes.

Which I ignore, because I’ve already fixed the problem.

See..I love British tea. Hot, sweet, and milky. LOTS of it. All day.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Tea’s a diuretic.

You can see what’s coming.

Tea. Pee. Tea. Pee. Tea. Pee. Tea. Pee.

All day long.

Like liquid burpees.

At least I get a regular change of seating arrangements.

Who needs a Peloton?

Photo by Mitchell Orr on Unsplash