Photo by Sergio Pedemonte / Unsplash

Here it is: the most up to date fitness expertise to get you in the shape of your life.

  1. Should I walk or should I run? Answer: Putting one foot in front of the other in a steady manner is good. Wobbling, if that is informed by that second bottle of vodka, not so much.
  2. Should I breathe through my nose or my mouth when exercising? Answer: Air is good. Usually. When laughing gas is added it's even more fun. Of course if your mouth is full of vodka, the nose works better.  
  3. Should I get my partner to run with me? Answer: It depends. If they are surgically attached to the dining room table, it might prove difficult. A chain saw might help.
  4. How can I get ripped really fast? Answer: Walking into a shredder works.
  5. Can I ever look like Arnold? Or The Rock? Answer: Billions in plastic surgery. Or, shoot yourself in the head. Then when you meet your Maker, entreat your Maker to send you back as Arnold or The Rock. To which said Maker is likely to say, "Those seats are taken. You're going back as an earthworm."
  6. Can I eat anything I want as long as I burn the calories? Answer: You can eat anything you want as long as you don't expect to a) live very long, b) look particularly good while doing it and c) have any kind of healthy life. Drink up! Eat those donuts/chips/Big Macs! You deserve a break today!
  7. What are the best supplements to take to lose weight/gain size/look like a god/goddess? Answer: You will be worshipped as a god/goddess by all the purveyors of supplements which promise weight loss, size gain and looking like a fitness pro for being foolish enough to believe the promises, emptying your wallet for hype and peeing all those drugs into the water system. But hey, at least someone thinks you're special!
  8. Will exercise make me lose weight? Answer: Eat one carrot. Then walk from Boston to San Franciso with nothing but water. Should work. Call us when you get to the Bay Area.
  9. Can you get fit after forty? Answer: Of course not. It's all downhill after thirty. Just look at me.
  10. Next question? Hey, where did everybody go? Hey, come on. Come back!